Dangers that lie ahead

Course 102: Dangers of Antagonizing Men

Getting in a fight with men could be an enrichment exercise for your vocabulary. Tip them off and you’d be hearing colorful string of curses that contain more color than what your HP color inkjet printer gives you on paper. These golden epithets just get absorbed into your essence. Such a soul enriching experience.

The delicate and sensitive use of acoustics - music to our ears. The baritone combined with the pitch, intonation and intense emotion - strong and holy enough raise the dead from the dead.

Their excessive fondness for causing damage and making noise –charming. Smashing things, breaking (their own) bones, getting into fist fights – basically anything that involves a lot of sound – is their area of expertise. Once they go into the guerrilla mode of screaming and smashing there’s no heading back. Unless you are capable of calming a behemoth do not set off these volcanoes.

Finally, their interesting way of assaulting people on their birthdays is one big pain stimulating reason why you should never tick this gender off. Once they get down to their kick-ass methods, they make Christian Gray look like a saint.

Course 104: Dangers of Antagonizing Women

Statistical evidence proves that women carry vendetta even after their deaths. Pick up any horror movie, haunted story or exorcism scene, it will always be the lady ghost who’s out on a parole to make lives miserable. You’d only see male demons or coward male ghosts; that is if you ever see male ghosts.

I mean, if Marilin Monroe is still hanging around as a ghost what will the enraged women do. Not only will your life be endangered but also everybody’s around you. Well, Elvis is also grooving in death but then he’s a separate case.

It will always be lady ghosts that have the stamina to haunt people; till the end of eternity. That is a lot of effort. They will stalk you in the hallways, creep up behind you, throw and smash things around (because one lifetime was not enough), make you scream in the bath (you don’t want to know); and scream wherever they attack; as if they weren't scary enough already. Feel free to add more to this exotic list.

I don’t know what happens after death because of my inexperience in this matter but what if she’s out to make your life miserable even after your death? Nagging you for all eternity?

The bottom line is that there already many lady ghosts in this world – Delhi, Mumbai, Pune, you name it. Why are you hell bent on making another unparalleled contribution to this world? Let women live. A little sacrifice to make the world a happy place.

Reading Minds

Course 201: Reading People’s Minds

If you have ever been interested in knowing what’s on other people’s minds then this is what you need. This is fun, an immediate ice-breaker and perfect for impressing the one you have been trying to for so long. All you have to do is use your imagination and relax. Just keep your answers to yourself till the very end.

Here’s how it goes.

Imagine a desert. Dry, sandy and hot. In this desert lies a cube. You decide the attributes of this cube. What material is it made of? How big is it? Is it in the air? What color is it? Is it transparent? How many faces do you see? How do you see it? How far is it in the desert? Visualize it in your mind and take as long as you need.

Done? Now imagine a ladder. Where is it? How is it positioned with respect to the cube (distance, angle, position, whatever is applicable; go beyond these options if they suit you)? What material is it made of?  What state is it in – new, old, weary, about to break, strong, etc.? How many steps/rungs are there?

Next, imagine a horse. Where’s the horse? It is running or standing? Where is it going? Is it tied? Describe the features of the horse. Take your sweet time here. It is important in a way.

Next, imagine flowers. Yes, in the desert. You have the freedom of bringing a lotus to this desert. So pick whatever you want. Now, what type is it? What color is it? How many of them do you see? Where are they?

Lastly, imagine a storm. Describe it. Is it heading towards you? How big is it?

With that done your job is done. Have your subjects relay their imagined scenario to you. By the end of this you’d know the person’s tastes before anybody else knows them. You’d be the cocky one smiling while they’d be telling you their preferences without even them knowing. Damn right! This is a projection technique. Let’s help you read what’s what here.

ddddddddddddd  ANSWERS TIME   ccccccccccccc

THE CUBE:

The cube represents you (or your subject/victim). The bigger the cube (with respect to the desert) the bigger the ego. If it’s enormous you know what you are dealing with. Transparency describes the transparency of the person or how much do you reveal about yourself i.e. let others see through you; if it’s opaque you don’t like to express yourself.

The number of faces you see describes the way you look at things. If you just see one face then you are shallow; you don’t delve deep into factual research. If you see two or more faces that means you are deep and that you’ll actually get down, dig up more facts before you make any decision.

If it is made out of something soft then you are emotional and easily influenced.

If the cube is on the ground, you are down to earth. If it’s levitated in the air then you are a dreamer. If it’s in the valley of a sand hill then you probably have low confidence or like to stay hidden.

The color reveals your temperament.

COLOR	MEANING
Red	Power, love, dominance, sexual energy
Black	Authority, Elegance, Sophistication Could also mean the dark side
White	Innocence, purity
Green	Prosperity, compassion
Blue	Loyalty, knowledge, calmness
Yellow	Happy, Sunny, Lively, Jovial
Brown	Stability (mostly imagined by men)
Purple	Wealth, Luxury

It’s ok. Don’t be disheartened if you don’t like it. I am a cube made of black schist rock at the bottom of sand hill. Wait till it gets weirder.

THE LADDER:

The ladder represents your need for family and friends. If it is far from the cube they are not really important (“close”, captain obvious) to you. If the ladder is leaning on the cube then they draw their support from you. If the cube is taking support from the ladder then you rely on them.

If the ladder is worn out and looks weak (or rusted in case of an iron ladder) then it’s your relationship with family members and friends that needs repairing (or mending). If it’s made out something solid (like bamboo or a metal) then your relationship is strong.

The number of steps represents how many people are really close to you; on how many people you bank upon and consider them real friends. The color of the ladder could describe the nature of your family and friends.

THE HORSE:

This horse represents your ideal partner. The irony eh?

If it’s tied to the cube you wouldn’t give freedom, i.e. you’d want to control or dominate. If the horse is wild (no iron shoes on hooves, no reins, no saddle, yada yada yada) then you’d give freedom to your partner. If it’s close to the cube you’d want your partner to be that close to you. If it’s far away, it is time to mend your relationship dear.

If the horse is standing still you like him/her to stay at home more but if it’s running around you’d like him/her to travel with you.

In extreme circumstances if the horse is sitting on the cube and is playfully moving its tail then you’d want your partner to be with you all the time.

The appearance of the horse could indicate the kind of partner you want. It could be a beautiful white wild Arabian even if the last thing you want to do is be anywhere near an Arab.

But it’s said that arabians (a kind of horse breed) are good natured, fast and quick learners.

THE FLOWERS:

The flowers represent children. If the cube is surrounded by flowers of all colors then basically you like to be surrounded by children.

It generally represents the number of kids you want and what should be their nature, you could see them as a bouquet on your partners back or you could imagine the horse eating them. If it’s on your partner’s back you’d love to have many kids (seen more in case of men); or if the horse is eating them you need to rein your partner in.

In weirdest of weird cases – the way I imagined it – you could be growing a beautiful pink, delicate flower that is basking on the soft golden rays of the sun; large enough to fit your hands when you gingerly the flower, only to find it growing on a giant thorny cactus near the cube. I have no frigging clue as to what this means.

THE STORM:

The storm represents how you see troubles. If its heading towards you then you possibly have a big event/job coming your way in near future (you subconsciously know that). If it’s going away then you just faced the storm and now it’s over.

If it’s big you have the ability to make tiny things into big issues and if it’s not you don’t stress about troubles/deadlines/etc. much.

It might not reveal the deepest secrets about people but the answers sure as hell are entertaining. Try it out. Do share your scenarios with me. :D Let’s see what you get. 

Men v/s Women

Course 101: Understanding Women

Here’s a hack for life when it comes to women - beautiful girls want to be told that they are intelligent, and intelligent girls want to be told that they are a beautiful. Think about it.

Too bad you won’t be able to use it here for another year.

But this sex is also blessed with its eccentricities. For example, one word answer is not acceptable; don’t even think about it - a detailed description is needed, zeroth law of communication. Their ability to interpolate and extrapolate is astronomically outstanding; dare to compete? It is better you accept defeat. Remember all those when-did-I-say-that moments of yours?

Their expertise in expanding the seven colors of rainbow to a million different shades is humbling and brain-numbing. Let’s introduce to some members of the pink family – fuscia, watermelon, flamingo, blush, punch, ballet slipper - it gets better, lemonade – told ya, rouge, etc. This does not even cover half the list. Only a woman could make a high-score on kuku kube.

Apparently calling a guy cute is a compliment. The only time they run short of words.

Women are actually quite simple and not as complex as they are portrayed to be. See it’s simple. If the lady is upset, give her a tight hug and tell her she is beautiful. However, if she starts to growl retreat to a safe distance and throw a chocolate bar at her. And if things she attacks, soldier abort mission and initiate ghost protocol.

It is our understanding after doing this analysis that there’s no point in understanding women. What’s the point? They are still going to do what they want to do and you will go on doing what you are doing?

Course 102: Understanding Men

After extensive research and analyzing the various behavioral patterns of the many specimen possessing the faulty Y chromosome we have observed the following few trends emerge.

First, always follow the 30 second rule, i.e. every time you ask a question of this overconfident sex, give them 30 seconds to answer. Their brains are mapped in a way that it takes 30 seconds to come up with an answer that makes sense, is relevant and explained with logic. Interrupting before the timer goes off short-circuits the entire system and disrupts the “normal” conversation.

Second, their ability to remember data that is of no use and insanely high tolerance to filth is astounding. This is the reason why men marry women who can do the work of their mothers, not someone with long legs. Well, somebody has to clean up after them.

Third, men were not made to multitask. With only one side of the brain functioning, their working capacities are highly curtailed. Any self-related (family, friends, preferences, colors etc.) information and otherwise passed will be an overload for their finicky frozen brains. I mean, why challenge nature?

Fourth, peeing is a social activity.

And last, men wouldn’t mind receiving flowers. You might not want to subject soft delicate flowers to their barbarian insouciant ways, and find the notion ghastly but such gestures are well appreciated by members of this gender too.

If neither of this holds true for your relationship then we hate to break it to you that your relationship is a cover. With this study we successfully prove that men will be men.